So if you know me, you know adoption is a part of who I am. I chose adoption for my son when I was 17. I picked his parents and I have continued to watch him grow through pictures for the last 16 years. Recently he reached out to me via facebook. This is pretty cool I think, and honestly very scary for me. I want to rush right into this relationship and get to know him and I suppose “make up” for the last 16 years that I have missed. But he is this whole person with this life and history I know nothing about. I don’t know what his favorite color is, his favorite book, does he have a girlfriend, or a boyfriend, what are his dreams for the future? I know none of these things. I also don’t know if I am a novelty for him. Does he want to reach out for curiosity’s sake? Does he want to develop a life long relationship with me? With his biological siblings? Or is he not even sure? I want to ask, but I don’t want to seem pushy.
What I don’t want is to take her place. I chose her. I love and respect her. I know that, while I could have parented my son, I felt that I wasn’t ready and She was. She has done a great job. I know he is happy and healthy and has grown up in a home full of love, and while these things would have been true had I raised him I know now that well adjusted adoptees are not the norm. So many adoptees grow up lost and feeling out of place. I know that this woman worked tirelessly to make him feel loved and accepted and whole. She reached out to me to answer questions he had and shared stories of me from while I was pregnant with him.
He is my son, but I am not his mom. So what does that mean for me? I really don’t know yet. I hope that it means a friendship between he and I. I hope it means his siblings get to know their brother. I hope someday to hold his children in my arms and share in their joy. I hope to get a chance to show him that I have thought of him every day for the last 5,864 days. I think of him all the time. I don’t want to overwhelm him with my love, just to hold him in my arms ad tell him that I love him always.
What does this mean for me? For now it means I hope.